This self portrait expressed my feelings about the requirements of social interactions put on autistic people specifically. But I think a lot of people can relate to the frustrations I have with social expectations.
“Kicking and Masking” is part of a *very limited printing* self portrait collection. Each digital self-portrait is printed on 8″ by 10″ paper and is limited to 3-4 prints each, signed on the back.
“Consume me as I have been consumed by thoughts of you. Taste what you’ve done to me.”
I tend to be… obsessive… in relationships. For autistic people, other people can be a special interest. Allistic people, typically, cannot match the sort of passion and intensity that I bring to the table. And that’s okay, that’s healthy, but sometimes I crave the same sort of attention that I give out. And I’m sure that can be true for people who aren’t autistic, too. I think there’s a universal craving to be met with the same effort you give.
“The Softer Side” is part of a *very limited printing* self portrait collection. Each digital self-portrait is printed on 8″ by 10″ paper and is limited to 3-4 prints each, signed on the back.
This is obviously a fantasy self-portrait, but I think it’s one of the most accurate. Liz, forest creature, protector of cats, loves gardening and dancing to the beat of her own drum; catches her horns on everything, quite the klutz. The softest side of me, rarely seen in real life because of masking and social expectations. Fuck capitalism and social hierarchies.
Let’s all live in the woods and spend our days making art and music and trading food from our gardens.
“The Softer Side” is part of a *very limited printing* self portrait collection. Each digital self-portrait is printed on 8″ by 10″ paper and is limited to 3-4 prints each, signed on the back.
This is a universal issue, it doesn’t matter if you’re autistic or allistic, gay or straight, whatever. In every relationship—even just friendships—there comes a point when you have to ask yourself just how vulnerable you are willing to get with no guarantee that it’s going to be worth it.
“Treasure Map” is part of a *very limited printing* self portrait collection. Each digital self-portrait is printed on 8″ by 10″ paper and is limited to 3-4 prints each, signed on the back.
Here’s an older self portrait (that I don’t have to censor). It was one of the first self portraits I did when I got my iPad. I know it’s dorky, but I was feeling very cool in legal weed states.
Other than figuring out I’m autistic, pot is one of the best things I’ve done for my autistic brain. I don’t know how much it helps other AuDHD folks, so I’m hesitant to recommend, but it helps me with sensory overload and anxiety.
I don’t have many regrets in life. I don’t like regrets. But if I could go back in time I’d tell 8-year-old Liz she’s autistic and I’d tell16-year-old Liz that her teachers are lying and pot is just fine. 🤣 (I’d probably also pop in on 13-year-old Liz and tell her she might be a little gay. 😏)
“The Coolest Self-Portrait” is part of a *very limited printing* self portrait collection. Each digital self-portrait is printed on 8″ by 10″ paper and is limited to 3-4 prints each, signed on the back.
I keep going back and forth between “It’s That Time Again” and “It’s About That Time”. Either way, this selfie is about autistic masking, how it feels when that mask slips, and the vulnerability that follows. It’s also about the inevitability of a mask slipping with friends or even choosing to take off the mask, realizing it was a mistake, but being unable to put it back on.
“It’s That Time Again” is part of a *very limited printing* self portrait collection. Each digital self-portrait is printed on 8″ by 10″ paper and is limited to 3-4 prints each, signed on the back.
I have a very weird relationship with my body. I struggle with interoception. A lot of autistic people do. I don’t always know when I’m hungry or when I have to pee or whatever.
I also walk into stuff a lot. I have very poor spatial awareness. (Which I think is more adhd than ’tism, but someone might correct me on that because I’m not sure.) And those things can make me feel very disconnected to my body.
HOWEVER, when I am sad, or angry or even excited, I feel it in my entire being. It’s in my stomach and my bones and my flesh. When I am sad my whole body is sad and that is when I feel really connected to myself. So when I make art that is connected to an emotion it is usually a self-portrait of some kind, because I don’t know how to take that feeling and put it outside of myself.
“When You Hurt Me” is part of a *very limited printing* self portrait collection. Each digital self-portrait is printed on 8″ by 10″ paper and is limited to 3-4 prints each, signed on the back.
No one has ever told me that they expect certain things from me… on my public instragram, I mean. (People have—in plenty of way at other times and in other places—let me know exactly what they expect from me.) But I still feel this sort of pressure to get reactions or to sell. And when I don’t get the reactions that I thought I was going to get I get really down on myself as a creative. It’s ridiculous. I know it’s ridiculous. I love my work and I love what I do. But there’s an entire extra layer as both a woman and an autistic when it comes to feedback and expectations.
Three or four years ago I was at my career peak. And I enjoyed None. Of. It. I had paid exhibitions. I was selling original paintings at $1,200 each. I was doing goooooood y’all. But there was no joy in those accomplishments. I thought that maybe I shouldn’t be an artist or that I wasn’t on the right path. But when I’m not creating I get sad, too. I was so confused and overwhelmed.
Through therapy and my autistic diagnosis, I realized I had been in burnout for a while. How long exactly I’m not sure. Every time I tried to pull myself out over the next few years I went further back down. Masking and forcing yourself out of burnout takes so fucking much energy. I can’t explain it to allistic people. I know allistic people experience burnout, but it’s just not on the same level. I mean, psychologically it is not. Otherwise, autistic people would not get autism diagnoses. (And at the same time I was going through the first few years of living with a chronic illness.)
So, now, these days, when I feel that sort of expectation rising I try to step away from my public Instagram. That’s one of the reasons I have a private Instagram, too. I don’t know if anyone was interested in an explanation. (Autistic people tend to over-explain.) But I wanted to explain why I go dark when I go dark.
I would like to get to a point where burnout isn’t an issue. But there’s really not enough research into autistic burnout or resources for autistic people to get through burnout. It can last years. So I have to try to mitigate it in any way I can. Sometimes that means completely stepping away from art and sometimes it means making art for my consumption only, instead of art for posting.
So I went dark on Insta and TikTok and plan on staying dark through the next week. I want to see if it helps. If it does help then I can add it to my Burnout Mitigation Tooblox.
Thanks for listening.
❤ Liz Zook
@thepopartgirl
Liz Kelly Zook 